Shoulder Season

a rare moment of ennui from me

Hi Loves! I’m sorry I haven’t written this column for a while. 

I could say that I’ve been Really Busy and Distracted, which is true. 

I could say that I wasn’t sure what to talk about, since there are enough people already writing so many good words about the things that I care about (namely, these days, the end of democracy, climate crisis, and how Really Busy and Distracted we are, which exacerbates both those problems). Do we really need more words from people like me?

I could also say I’ve been reluctant to write because there are truly terrible things going on right now that I don’t feel I’m putting enough heart or energy into (like Gaza, and now Lebanon), and I feel guilty about it, and also a bit despairing, and I don’t want to feel like a hypocrite so I’d rather say nothing at all than pretend to be more actively conspiring for good than I am. 

And of course inaction is a recipe for feeling even more despair. “Just do something! You’ll feel better.” Is basically every sermon I preach. But lately all the Bad Things are so bad, and so intertwined and overwhelming (exactly as they are intended to be! Not to mention supercharged with disinformation!) that I want to do what so many other privileged people are doing and just…stop paying attention to anything outside my own small life and concerns. But I can’t seem to manage that trick either!

The problem is this call to follow Jesus. It has ruined me! I can’t do the good that I want to do, and the little I do doesn’t seem to help all that much. In spite of how many Republicans have defected to Harris/Walz or died since 2020, Trump *still* has 47.5% of the electorate in his thrall?!?! 

…but I have not given up on the idea that we really can change the world, turn the tide, save democracy, side with the sheep who ministered to Jesus in prison/by the sickbed/at the immigration detention center; bring Heaven to Earth, bless our enemies and thus convert them to awe and agape, holding hands as we sing without a shade of shade, “Let There Be Peace on Earth, and Let it Begin With Me” (Kum Ba Yah is so last revolution).

Then again: I know Anne Lamott told us that when we’re working on forgiving/reconciling we should start with someone easier than Hitler. But she did say this before we were actually facing a Hitler-adjacent presidential candidate (his own running mate said so!).

We launched both kids in the past 2 months. They are going through all the growth and challenges that new college students go through: making new friends, breaking up with old friends and loves, managing new freedoms and autonomy, identifying new parts of themselves to bring forward, skills and passions and values, learning how to feed themselves for real, getting colds every week, figuring out how to keep things moving academically without teachers breathing down your neck all the time and with SO much fun happening around them all the time. 

Someone asked me recently, “what are you doing with all your free time now that the kids are gone?” I didn’t have a good answer. “Sleeping more? Forgetting to do things now that I don’t have pure adrenaline running through my veins all the time?” The reality is I probably spend 1-2 hours a day on kid stuff still. But it’s different stuff. I’m not filling out forms or driving people places or helping with stats homework (Praise the Lord!), but I am phone-coaching them about finances, or emotional and mental health, or relationships. Wayyyy more in my wheelhouse. 

But that still leaves time to do More than I have been. And so far, I’m just not feeling a push or a pull to do More. I mean, I still have a day job. That more or less requires me to do a lot of good, and that feels good, and I’m really grateful for that. But I’m not going to be one of those people who starts working twice as hard at their day job to fill the emotional hole left by empty nesting. It wouldn’t be good for me, or for my congregation.

So maybe this quiet, this rumbling gloom (I’m going to stop using the word despair. Despair is nuclear winter. Gloom is a transient weather system. I’ll feel better tomorrow.)...maybe it is, in itself, from God?  A kind of a murky shoulder season between the “real” seasons that have their unique purpose and place in the ecosystem? That’s terribly convenient, of course: God wants me to be slothful and checked out! But I’m a big believer in changing up patterns, and if my general pattern as an enneagram 3 with a strong 2 wing is “I’m only valuable if I’m being successful at helping someone!” then giving in to another kind of movement, energy, or lack thereof, might actually be the most spiritually dynamic thing I could do. 

Ok, this is a long enough post for a mini-pity-party. And truly: I will feel better tomorrow. And also truly: I have so much love and joy and comfort and peace in my life. I just didn’t talk about it today, but it’s real and it’s there. 

And my writing muse will come back! I’m already working on the Alternative Advent Calendar for this year, out in mid-November. I just wanted to say a little bit about why I’ve been so quiet over here. 

A little bleary but happy, buying bread in San Juan Capistrano after dropping Carmen off at UC San Diego.  

Now, contrary to something I’ve just said, I’m going to go sign up for 3 shifts to GOTV because of something else I just said. I’m gonna do something. Because I’ll probably feel better.

Christlove,

Molly

PS: some things I love or did or am going to do that you might want to know about: 

Kaya Oakes’ new book, Not So Sorry: Abusers, False Apologies and the Limits of Forgiveness! Typically brilliant and cheeky Kaya. And she’ll be preaching at my church on Sunday Oct 27 at 10am! 

I preached this sermon about Kamala’s candidacy on my birthday in July that got me in a little trouble. I think every pastor should get to preach whatever the hell they want on their birthday. And I stand by it! Let women lead! The livestream punked out that day which I am absolutely *not* taking as a sign from God.

If you are in the Bay Area, our church is hosting an Election Night Watch Party with free food, mocktails, a little wine, streaming MSNBC, a yoga room and more. You can cry with us and dance with us, depending.

Freddie Mercury Phinney Baskette, being herself. More of this energy, please!